Originally posted on 06/26/2009:
And so it is, that another of our great pop stars has fallen from the bonds of this world. Perhaps things are better this way, but - to blatantly rip off Utada Hikaru - "I've been having these weird thoughts lately; like: is any of this for real, or not?" My mind has not suffered these affronts well, and I felt it would be a good idea to let my true feelings be known for once in my life. This is me; it's uncensored, it's real, and it's grit. It's what's on my mind, and not something you can freely deny without experiencing my life firsthand.
This angers me greatly, and I don't know why. It seems like I've lost all sense of right and wrong, of what exists as justice. Since the passing of my childhood memories - I know they're larger than life, and rarely are the real people as beautiful, as... pure, as they are in my dreams - I feel lost in this world. For the first time in the long time, I feel alone. And it's the worst feeling I've ever known. I feel things like the passing of my idols quite acutely, and I'm not sure how to continue to cope with their losses as time marches on. Perhaps the only thing I can be certain of in uncertain times is that things will change. For better or worse, things will invariably change.
It's worse for me on some level, because I have this little dark side. Like before Michael died, I secretly wished for it to happen. And it's not the first time. I know it's irrational, I know there's no logic, no rhyme nor reason to it. But it frightens me to have this happen so frequently. It's almost like - if you believe in a grand designer - he's telling me to shut the hell up and enjoy life for what it's worth. For life is far too fleeting to be taken seriously. And that scares me, because that's the point where the line of reality is blurred by madness. And yet, what scares me more, is the question that plagues my mind. I know it's selfish, I know it's arrogant, but what if I'm responsible? What if all these evils, all this pain and suffering, is because of me? I push the thoughts aside to try to live with others, but they're always there. And that side frightens me more than any guns, knives, bombs, plagues, or monsters ever could.
All I want to know is whether others suffer this same malign thought process, or if I'm truly alone in it.
And the loneliness is the scariest thing of all.
It just sucks when I go through these phases. I'm confident I'll come out of them, but sometimes I don't know that I really want to, like I see the world better when I'm like this.
As it really is, unfair and fleeting; almost pristine in its ruthlessness.
And I don't know that I can survive in it without giving myself over to that same ruthlessness; nor can I imagine what it'd do to me to be that unforgiving. I don't know that I even want to imagine it.
It's funny. I've only really cried twice in my life. The first was about a month ago, when I realized my grandmother was gone. She was my closest link to the world as it should be, and that was two years ago. The second was today, just minutes ago. It's like I have a conscious realization that bits of my life are falling away, and I don't know that I can fill that hole with anything anymore.
C: "Death is a natural part of life."
Perhaps watching his "in memoriam" series isn't the best of treatments. Or perhaps it is. There's something to be said for wakes; for celebrating the achievements of one's life, rather than the futility of his death.
R: "I think he's gone, but certainly not forgotten. He may have been accused of some evil things, but he also did a lot of good in the world. Let's remember the good he did and forgive him the bad as - for better or worse - human nature."
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment